First let's talk about rejection. Although it might seem like it, it's never really you that is rejected, but rather something that you communicated.

Even then, someone's reactions may have a lot more to do with what's going on in their life at the time, their own personal challenges and fears, than anything you communicated.

Often, rejection has little to do with us, and a lot to do with someone else's frame of mind and outlook. In any case, 'rejection' can actually be a great opportunity to help you understand what someone else's needs are better, or to improve the way you communicate - if we look for what we can learn.

You may read the above and agree with it, but still find it hard to really take to heart. Rejection is quite a loaded word and it can take practice to see the reality in a more constructive and clear-minded way.

One response to fearing rejection is to 'get in there first' by ending a relationship, chiefly because you suspect the other person may reject you. What are the consequences of this approach?

Supposing your predictions were wrong, how would you ever know, and what opportunities for happiness would you miss? This is the danger of allowing fear to rule your relationship decisions. In a sense, you're sacrificing the future for the sake of the past; what else but painful memories could cause you to act this way?

It may not just be the fear of rejection that drives you to action, but also a sense of humiliation and worthlessness that goes with it. The issue is where you derive your self-worth from and how you see yourself in relation to others. In "Healthy Loving Relationships" these topics are explored in depth, but in short, it really can all change for the better.

Other approaches to fearing rejection include: to attach yourself more and more tightly to the other person (to be 'clingy' or 'needy'), to become possessive, or to try to keep up a façade of perfection.

All of these approaches actually get in the way of developing a sustainable and healthy mutual emotional bond with someone. They all make heavy sacrifices of some of your own or another person's needs, in order to appease a fear of being alone, or judged, or whatever else 'rejection' is associated with for you. That is why these approaches are ultimately unsuccessful.

Of course, coming to that phase of a relationship where the initial infatuation settles down and you're able to see each other more clearly, is a prime time for insecurities to surface. What practical steps can you take to avoid falling pray to your fears and allow a relationship more chance of success?

The first thing is to acknowledge the possibility that your fears may not come true. Then, reviewing the above notes on what rejection can mean, actually work through what would happen if someone did let you know that they didn't want to continue a relationship with you. Here are some questions to ask yourself about such as rejection (write down the answers if you can, for best results):

1. In what different ways could you understand this outcome? E.g. what things might it say (or not say) about you or the other person?
2. How could you cope with this outcome?
3. How would the choices you make in how to think about this outcome and deal with it, affect your ability to connect in a loving and open hearted way with people in the future?

Doing the above thought experiment soberly, you may discover that you have more resources and resilience than you previously reckoned. Lastly, with this new perspective, allow things to play out, remain open-minded and, whatever happens, look for the positive lessons that can be learnt from the experience.

Another idea is to talk about your fear of rejection with your partner. You might prefer to lie on a bed of nails, but this (the talking, not the nails) can actually be a very helpful step. By sharing a fear, and not assuming it as a foregone conclusion, you're demonstrating two powerful things: honesty and trust. It also shows a desire to see things differently. When having these kind of conversations, the best results are gained by being open and also avoiding making the other person responsible for your own happiness.

"Healthy Loving Relationships" shares many effective strategies for dealing with different types of fear, including fear of rejection, intimacy, judgement and more.